Month: August 2021

We have to make choices in life

Translation…

BADA BING!

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer walk up to a bridge. The bridge is the only crossing over a notoriously crocodile-infested river, so the two prepare to cross. Just before they set foot on the bridge the anti-vaxxer halts the engineer. “How safe is it to cross this bridge exactly?” he asks. “99.97%,” the engineer replies confidently. The anti-vaxxer thinks for a moment before turning around. “Guess I’m swimming then.”

How do you properly milk a flock of sheep? Tell them the election was stolen, then ask for money.

A Burglar broke into our house last night. I didn’t shoot him. I just put the red laser dot on his forehead. Our three cats did the rest.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Our government struggles with the decision of whether to cripple an entire generation with debt or tax 3 billionaires a bit more.

Today my daughter called me ‘Birth Person’.I replied, “Yes, Financial Drain?”.

Them: I’d take a bullet for my country.Me: You won’t even take a needle for your neighbors. Sit down and shut up.

I just saw on the news that a man has discovered how to do origami backward!More on this story as it unfolds.

No man is an island. Although my friend Archie Pelago comes close.

If anybody has a good fish pun…Let minnow.

I can’t get over the fact that the word ‘gullible’ upside down looks like a cat.

Broke a light bulb today. So does that mean I will have seven years of bad ideas?

Walmart is opening dental offices in some of its stores. There will be an express lane for people with 12 teeth or less.

When my kid is upset I let her color my tattoo! She just needs a shoulder to Crayon.

What if UFOs are just billionaires from other planets?

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Today is the birthday, in 1926, of Tony Bennett (Anthony Dominick Benedetto). He served as an infantryman in World War II in the European Theater and, after his discharge in 1946, he studied at the American Theater Wing under the GI Bill. After singing with Pearl Bailey at several NY clubs, he was signed to the Columbia Record label by Mitch Miller. He had a number one hit – Because of You – in 1951. He has had an incredibly long and successful career. He recorded this song with Lady Gaga in 2011.