Month: January 2022

Today is the Day of the Martyrs in The Democratic Republic of Congo. The day commemorates those who died on January 4, 1959 as a part of the push for independence from Belgium.

Bada Bing!

Old age comes at a bad time. When you finally know everything, you start to forget everything you know.

Not to brag but I can always tell when the dinosaurs in movies are fake.

Son: Daddy, I keep hearing noises in my closet. I think there’s a monster in there.Dad: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other bedroom?

I’m starting to think I’ll never be old enough to know better.

I’m an adult and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want. I wish someone would take this power away from me.

I helped my neighbor with something this morning and she said, “I could marry you!” I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.

I see Ivermectin trending again so that’s heartworming.

It’s OK for a cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up. But when I do it, I’m antisocial.

Eating too much cake is the sin of gluttony.However, eating too much pie is OK because the sin of pi is always zero.

A blacksmith is training his new apprentice. Getting to know the boy’s skills, the blacksmith asks, “Have you ever shoed a horse?” The apprentice replies, “No, but I did once tell a donkey to fuck off.”

Two ducks are flying south for the winter when an Air Force jet flies overhead. One duck says to the other, “Did you see that? Jeez, he was moving.” The other duck says, “I bet you would too if you had two assholes and both were on fire.”

There’s this actor, Marty, in his 50s living in L. A. who’s never had his big break. One day, his agent calls him. “Marty, you’re not gonna believe it. I got you a part. It’s on Broadway. It’s just one line, but it’s a huge play. And you’re on tomorrow night. “Marty says, “This is great. What’s the line?” The agent says, “Hark! I hear the cannons roar.” Marty agrees to the part, and he’s thrilled. He gets to the airport and starts running the line out loud over and over again all the way to New York. “Hark! I hear the cannons roar. Hark! I hear the cannons roar.” All the way to the theater he runs the line. He gets to the theater, goes backstage, waits for his cue. He runs onstage and hears the cannon. BOOM! And he screams, “What the fuck was that?”

I’m tweeting from the hospital. Don’t worry, the doctor said I’ll be OK.Be advised, the Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very deceiving name.

Today is the birthday, in 1946, of Arthur Conley, best known for this song…