Month: May 2023

23
May
2023

TWOS-DAY

Today is Labour Day, a public holiday in Jamaica. Labour Day in Jamaica commemorates a labor rebellion on this day in 1938 that contributed to Jamaican independence. The rebellion was led by Alexander Bustamante who gained prominence during the rebellion, becoming a noted trade union leader and eventually becoming Jamaica’s first prime minister following independence.

COURT LIFE

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

_________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death..

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral…

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No..

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Yesterday was the birthday, in 1813 of Richard Wagner. Here is one of his most familiar works. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s2RiOhYpRFc

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Posted by Tom in classical, Humor, Music
22
May
2023

and MONDAY rears its ugly head…

Today is St. Helena’s Day – a public holiday on St. Helena Island. It commemorates the discovery of the island by the Portuguese explorer João da Nova, said to be on May 21st, 1502. St. Helena is a British Overseas Territory and is one of the most remote islands in the world. It is about 1200 miles west of the coast of Africa and about 2500 miles east of South America. The island has a population of about 4400 and is about 47 square miles.

Flag of St. Helena

Today is the birthday, in 1941, of Jackie Landry Jackson, singer, from girl group, The Chantels, who had the 1958 top 20 hit ‘Maybe’ and the 1961 hit ‘Look In My Eyes’. She died on December 23, 1997. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IePTH1PWzAs

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Posted by Tom in doo-wop, Humor, Music
19
May
2023

FRIDAY comes but once a week

Today is Commemoration of Atatürk, Youth and Sports Day (Atatürk’ü Anma, Gençlik ve spor Bayramı), a national holiday in Turkey, always celebrated on May 19th. The holiday commemorates Mustafa Kemal’s landing at the Black Sea city of Samsun on May 19th 1919, which is regarded as the beginning of the Turkish War of Independence.

Today is the birthday, in 1949, of Dusty Hill, bass, keyboardist, and co-vocalist with ZZ Top, who had the 1984 US No.8 and 1985 UK No.16 single ‘Legs’. ZZ Top has had global album sales in excess of 50 million as of 2014. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ae829mFAGGE

Posted by Tom in Humor, Music, sixties and seventies
18
May
2023

Must be THURSDAY!

Today is Flag and Universities Day, a public holiday in Haiti. The date commemorates the creation of the Haitian flag in 1803. The Haitian flag was adopted on May 18th 1803, on the last day of the Congress of Arcahaie. The congress was a meeting that had two key outcomes; the establishment of a united command of the revolutionary army under the supreme authority of Jean-Jacques Dessalines, and the adoption of a flag by the indigenous army. Jean-Jacques Dessalines created the flag by taking a French tricolour and ripping out the white centre. His god-daughter, Catherine Flon, sewed the remaining horizontal bands together – the tricolour became the bi-colour. The blue in the Haitian flag is said to represent the Haitian’s of African descent and red for the Gens de couleur (French for ‘people of color’). In 1919, the government added Universities Day as part of the celebrations. Highlighting the educational system was seen as important by the government as they saw the educational system was under threat due to the U.S. occupation of Haiti that started in 1915.

Badly needed feature

BADA BING!!

Did you know muffins spelled backward is what you do when you take them out of the oven?

I got up at 5am not to watch the coronation but to sit on the throne.

You can say “Have a nice day” no problem, but you can’t say ‘Enjoy the next 24 hours’ without sounding like a hitman.

“Incontinence hotline, please hold.”

Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you. Me: I didn’t call you. Demon: I did.

It takes a serious amount of balls to golf like I do.

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

Him, holding sign by the road…Need money…Not homeless…Wife keeps buying plants

No good birthdays today – here’s Robert Palmer https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DlPHmYtqSdA

Posted by Tom in Humor, Music, sixties and seventies
17
May
2023

Feels like Monday but it’s WEDNESDAY!

Today is Constitution Day in Norway. Norway’s National Day marks the adoption of the Constitution which declared the country as a kingdom independent of Sweden on May 17th 1814. Following the Napoleonic Wars, Norway’s Constitution, which declared the country as a kingdom independent of Sweden was signed. The constitution was based on American and French models, and elected the Crown Prince of Denmark and Norway, Christian Frederick, as the king.

While full independence was not achieved until June 7th 1905, May 17th remains Norway’s National Day. Constitution Day is often kicked off by many Norwegians with a traditional 17. Mai breakfast of smoked salmon, scrambled eggs, and a fresh loaf of bread, accompanied by a glass of champagne. Breakfast is just the start of the spring holiday that many view as a time to indulge in guilty food pleasures, especially ice cream and hot dogs. The highlights are the children’s processions, made up of school classes marching through the local community, led by the school band. Most children have their own small Norwegian flag to wave, and the route is lined with enthusiastic onlookers.

Norway can boast the most impressive collection of waterfalls in Europe, with the six highest waterfalls in of Europe all in Norway. The highest waterfall, Vinnufossen is 2,820 feet (860 meters) tall and is the sixth highest in the world.

“Fabric Free”

Good Restaurant Names!

Today is the birthday, in 1941, of Malcolm Hale, from American 1960s sunshine pop band Spanky And Our Gang, who had the 1967 US No.9 single ‘Sunday Will Never Be The Same Again’. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wqw1MGEHKNE

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Posted by Tom in Humor, Music, sixties and seventies