as they say in Sweden.
Bada Bing!
If you’re paying five dollars for a bottle of SmartWater, it’s probably not working!
I know a guy that got a job making plastic draculas.He told me that there were only two of them on the production line, so he had to make every second Count.
I hate when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and I’ve already put the resident expert to bed.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m OK, but I feel like I’ve died a little inside.
So apparently RSVP-ing to a wedding invite with “Maybe next time” wasn’t the best response.
A good pun is its own reword.
I’ve hardly done anything on my bucket list.I think I’ll change the B to an F.
For most of human history, our vehicles had an automatic stopping system to take us home and ensure we didn’t crash when we were drunk or sleeping.Then we got rid of the horse.
The first five florists I called from the phone book knew nothing about carpet or tile.And suddenly, I’M the idiot?!
It’s been brought to my attention that I may have offended some of you. I apologize, I meant to offend all of you.
What would you have if every car in the country was painted PINK?A Pink Carnation.(Did you start singing the song?)
Her: We need to eat at a different cafeteria.Him: Why?Her: They have the Heimlich maneuver printed on the back of the menu.
There are two typos of people in the world.Those who notice spelling mistakes, and those who don’t.
When life hands you lemons, hand them back.You deserve chocolate.
A woman took her 3-year-old boy shopping. When they got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket. She didn’t buy it and he certainly didn’t buy it. So she took him straight back to the shopping center and let him loose in the jewelry store.
My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog’s ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some “Nair” hair remover and rub it in the dog’s ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some “Nair” hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, “If you’re going to use this under your arms, don’t use deodorant for a few days.”
Andrea said, “I’m not using it under my arms.”
The pharmacist said, “If you’re using it on your legs, don’t use body lotion for a couple of days.”
Andrea replied, “I’m not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I’m using it on my Schnauzer.” The pharmacist said, “Well, stay off your bicycle for at least a week.
Today’s musical selection is a fun one to sing along with.
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