Bada Bing!
Him: I need help with a crossword puzzle. The clue is “overworked mailman”. Her: How many letters? Him: I’m guessing too many.
A human has 46 chromosomes. A potato has 48 chromosomes. You are two chromosomes away from being a potato.
Dog: WOOF! Alexa: Honestly, if I knew how long it would be until they got home I would tell you.
Me as a kid: Falls 10 feet from the monkey bars… “I’m OK!” Me now: Tried to scoop ice cream that was a little too frozen… “I think I dislocated my shoulder!”
Charles Dickens orders a martini. Bartender asks, “Olive or twist?”
I’m really tired of people complaining about the price of everything. $2.00 for a cup of coffee $3.00 for a coat check $4.00 an hour for parking I’m just going to stop inviting them to my house.
Incorrectly is the only word in the dictionary spelled incorrectly.
I used to work at KFC making coleslaw & mashed potatoes. But it was only a side job.
A guy opened a pub in a hotel lobby, but soon relocated to the mezzanine. Then he relocated to the top floor, and finally the roof. He kept raising the bar.
x – y = \
Why do we sing “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” when we’re already there?
A man walked up to the lobby counter. Man: “Will you validate my parking?” Counter person: “You did a great parking job. Evenly spaced, at nearly a perfect right angle.”
Today is the birthday, in 1810, of Robert Schumann. Here, in a short but amazing piano performance, is Yuja Wang playing Schumann’s ‘The Smuggler’.
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