Donovan

Today is Mother’s Day, a public holiday in El Salvador. Today is also Mother’s Day (Día de las Madres) in Mexico and Guatemala.

Bada Bing!

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me said he’s just going to use it to buy drugs. So I confronted him and asked him where I could also get drugs for $5.

Waffles are just pancakes that are ribbed for your pleasure.

I’m getting real sick and tired of food having calories.

Spilling wine is the adult equivalent of a kid letting go of a balloon.

Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number. I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.

Tweets About The Petty Things Couples Do When They’re Mad At Each Other…

My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.

My husband pissed me off so I sent him a picture of the thermostat set to 74 degrees.

When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.

I’m mad at my wife so I liked a lot of songs on her Pandora playlist that I know she didn’t like.

My wife ate the last donut this morning so I went in her car and readjusted the driver’s seat and mirrors.
My husband pissed me off so for dinner I’m making him Kale And Tofu Salad.

OH! And did you remember that April was Procrastination Awareness Month?

Today is the birthday, in 1946, of Donovan Phillips Leitch, known professionally as Donovan.