Today is Qaumee Dhuvas (meaning ‘National Day’ in Dhivehi, the local language) in the Maldives, a public holiday. Maldives national day celebrates the victory of Muhammad Thakurufaanu Al Auzam over the Portuguese occupation in 1573.
BADA BING!
Pregnant woman: The cat who was completely obsessed with my bump when I was pregnant is quite uninterested in the baby now that she’s out. It’s a weird way to find out that my cat is a republican.
Are you mad Ariel is black? Wait until you see Jesus.
I’m taking my girl to Starbucks because I forgot her name. Someone suggested just looking at our marriage certificate but I think Starbucks will be faster than trying to find that.
Young Me: I hope something good happens. Old Me: I hope whatever bad thing happens is at least funny.
Long line a the Lego store. ME: Looks like people are lined up for blocks.
I bought a donut without sprinkles today. So if I look skinny tomorrow, don’t be surprised.
The leading cause of injury in old men is them thinking they are still young men.
It’s hard to win an argument with a smart person. But it’s damn impossible to win an argument with a stupid person.
A dyslexic runs into a bank and shouts, “Air in the hands mother stickers! This is a fuck up!”
My body is not a temple. At best it’s a decaying old cabin in the woods with a horrifying past.
I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a big smile on her face this morning. Now I can’t have sharpies in the house anymore.
Today is the birthday, in 1943, of Randy Bachman
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