is what they’re saying in Oslo.
Just to be clear.
Twitter user @jaythechou has been Photoshopping Paddington into hundreds of movie scenes. Here are a few.
now this…
On this day in 1935, George Gershwin’s opera ‘Porgy and Bess’ premiered. Here is a familiar excerpt performed by Harolyn Blackwell.
As they say in Istanbul.
Bada Bing!
The greatest boxer of all time, Pastor Jim Jones. He took out hundreds of people with one punch.
If Jesus had been female, we’d be singing Hers in church.
Fun stuff… Bring a big bolt to an amusement part, get on a roller coaster with someone that looks terrified. When the ride starts hold up the bolt and say, “Wait!, where did this come from?”
My therapist told me to finish things I started.Today I finished 2 bottles of wine and a cake.I feel better already.
I’m finally old enough to do anything I want.Too tired to actually do it.
A mosquito just landed on my husband’s face.Easiest decision of my life.
When you’re stressed you eat ice cream, cake, and chocolate.Why?Because stressed spelled backward is desserts.
It’s been a bit of a strange day.First I found a hat full of money.Then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar.
Buy my new book…Everybody Sucks at Driving Except Me
How many times do you have to click ‘I accept cookies’ before they send you the cookies?!
Someone asked me what the ninth letter of the alphabet was.It was a complete guess but I was right.
An Ohio man is suing Smart Water for not making him smart.I would like to formally announce my lawsuit against Thin Mints.
Today is the birthday, in 1902, of Ed Sullivan, the creator and host of the TV variety show, Toast of the Town, later renamed as The Ed Sullivan Show. His introduction of this group to the US in February of 1964 was the most watched TV show in history to that point and remains one of the most watched TV shows of all time.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local super store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local store manager:
Dear Mrs. Harris:Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don’t have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, ‘Madonna Look’ using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed; ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was?
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’
Today is the birthday, in 1958, of Shaun Cassidy. He is the half-brother of David Cassidy and had this hit, among others.
Comments