Today is the festival of Thaipusam in Malaysia (and some other countries). It celebrates the birth of Lord Murugan.
Pelicans…
Bada Bing!
“Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.” “OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the doc soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.” “But Doc, I’ve been screwing the maid too, and I’ve got the same symptom she has.” “Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor. “Well,” the man admitted, “I think my wife now has it too.” “Son of a bitch!” the physician roared. “That means we’ve all got it!”
Agnorant: A person who is extremely ignorant yet simultaneously extremely arrogant.
My friend got a degree in Egyptology but he can’t get a job. So he’s getting a Ph.D. so he can teach other people egyptology. It’s literally a pyramid scheme.
If you still think there’s such a thing as perfect parenting, just know that I’m a pediatrician and parenting author and my toddler is eating strawberries dipped in ketchup for dinner tonight.
My kid just referred to the newspaper as “the floppy iPad”.
My 4yo son approached me with a very solemn expression. “Dad, why did you let the dinosaurs die?”
When one door closes and another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.
It’s the start of a brand new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.
When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”
When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”
When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
Dear Jim Jordan,Why are you so scared? Liz Cheney just asked you to answer some questions. It’s not like she asked you to go hunting with her dad.
I guess we should retire the expression “avoid it like the plague” given how little effort people put into avoiding the actual plague.
Today is the birthday, in 1941, of Bobby Goldboro. I couldn’t bring myself to post any of his sappy stuff though, so here is Joan Jett instead.
Comments