TOOSDAY..TWOSDAY..TUESDAY or something

Today is the birthday, in 1865, of Rudyard Kipling. He was an English journalist, novelist, poet and short-story writer. He was born in British India, which inspired much of his work. Kipling’s works of fiction include the Jungle Book duology (The Jungle Book, 1894; The Second Jungle Book, 1895), Kim (1901), the Just So Stories (1902) and many short stories, including “The Man Who Would Be King” (1888). His poems include “Mandalay” (1890), “Gunga Din” (1890), “The Gods of the Copybook Headings” (1919), “The White Man’s Burden” (1899) and “If—” (1910). He is seen as an innovator in the art of the short story. His children’s books are classics; one critic noted “a versatile and luminous narrative gift”.

Kipling in the late 19th and early 20th centuries was among the United Kingdom’s most popular writers. Henry James said “Kipling strikes me personally as the most complete man of genius, as distinct from fine intelligence, that I have ever known.” In 1907, he was awarded the Nobel Prize in Literature, as the first English-language writer to receive the prize, and at 41, its youngest recipient to date. He was also sounded out for the British Poet Laureateship and several times for a knighthood, but declined both. Following his death in 1936, his ashes were interred at Poets’ Corner in Westminster Abbey.

Ship me somewheres east of Suez, where the best is like the worst,
Where there aren't no Ten Commandments an' a man can raise a thirst;
For the temple-bells are callin', an' it's there that I would be
By the old Moulmein Pagoda, looking lazy at the sea;
                             On the road to Mandalay,
                             Where the old Flotilla lay,
With our sick beneath the awnings when we went to Mandalay!
                             O the road to Mandalay,
                             Where the flyin'-fishes play,
An' the dawn comes up like thunder outer China 'crost the Bay!

BADA BING!

1 out of 3 tRUMP supporters are just as stupid as the other 2.

Just so we’re clear: We wouldn’t be in NONE of this mess if they had just believed Anita Hill.

My Christmas rum and raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.

If you see a blonde white woman wearing a cross on Fox News, you know you’re about to hear the most anti Jesus shit you’ve ever heard in your life.

When I was 5 I swore that bird seeds grew birds, thus the name. My parents asked me to prove it so I planted a pile of bird seeds in the backyard. The next day there were loads of birds where I planted the seeds, thus proving I was right.

I was sent to HR after saying my coworkers are like Christmas lights… They all hang together, half don’t work, and the rest aren’t that bright.

tRUMP is expected to rename the San Andreas fault to Joe Bidens fault.

Sometimes I feel down. But then I remember I could have been born with an IQ low enough to think tRUMP is an amazing president.

We are at the stage of authoritarianism where we are watching bootlegged news from Canada.

I threw a boomerang a few years back. I’ve been living in fear ever since.

I’m looking for people who are interested in turning $100 into $4000. This is not a pyramid scheme. We will be selling crack.

Never cheat in a limbo contest. It’s the lowest thing you can do.

“How was your blind date?” a college student asked her roommate. “Terrible!” the roommate answered. He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce.” “Wow! That’s a very expensive car. What’s so bad about that?” “He was the original owner.”

If you get a link called ‘free porn’ don’t opin it. It’s a virus wich deactivates your spelchek and screws up you witing. I also receibed it but lukily I don’t uaatch porn so I dint opin it. Plaese warm yu frends. Wanks.

I put my bathroom scale in the corner and that’s where that little liar will stay until it apologizes.

Why was the baby strawberry crying? Its parents were in a jam.

Did you know that cows kill more people than sharks? I’m surprised that cows kill any sharks at all.

What do you call a person who tells dad jokes but is not a dad? A Faux Pa!

If a king sleeps on a king-sized bed and a queen sleeps on a queen-sized bed, where does a prince sleep? On an heir mattress.

I got fired from the keyboard factory. They told me I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.

What will be the final product Apple will ever produce? iQuit.