Today is Independence Day in Bosnia and Herzegovina. It commemorates the referendum of March 1, 1992 in which the people voted for independence.
Bada Bing!
I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket.
I went to an archaeology party recently where they were only looking for the remains of a lower leg. It was quite the shindig.
I was sitting on a bus behind a young kid who kept turning around and making faces at me. After a few minutes, I said, “When I was young my mother told me if I kept making ugly faces my face would stay like that.” The little shit replied, “Well, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”
In the 1950s they were afraid of godless communism when what they really needed to fear was godless Christianity.
“Today I was talking to myself. I was very polite and cordial but I could tell I was lying.” — Steven Wright
I went for a walk last night and she asked how long I was going to be gone. I said, “The whole time”. — Steven Wright
She asked me if I slept good. I said, “No I made a few mistakes”. — Steven Wright
“I’d kill to get a Nobel Peace Prize.” — Steven Wright
That feeling you get when the teacher walks up to you during an exam, looks at your paper, then shouts, “Guys, make sure you read the questions carefully!”
Don’t tell secrets in the garden. The potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears, and the beanstalk.
Everyone told Sam not to sing.But Samsung anyway.
My daughter was doing her history homework and asked me what I knew about Galileo.I said, “He’s a poor boy from a poor family.”
I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart while they have never seen one of his paintings.
Him: You drink too much caffeine. Him2: Yeah, well coffee spelled backward is eeffoc. And I don’t give eeffoc about your opinion.
Did you know that the star, Sirius, is moving towards Earth a nine miles per second? That means someday we could be in Sirius trouble.
Every “e” in “Mercedes” is pronounced differently.
Doctor: You have a very very rare disease. Me: What’s it called? Doctor: What do you want it to be called?
Once you hit a certain age you become permanently unimpressed by a lot of shit.
How to park:
Today is the birthday, in 1904, of Glenn Miller. He was a best-selling recording artist from 1939 to 1943 with 23 number one hits. On December 15, 1944, while traveling to entertain US troops in France during World War II, Miller’s aircraft disappeared in bad weather over the English Channel. This is a clip from a 1941 movie featuring him and his band.
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