Humor

17
May
2022

Tiw’s Day

Today is Constitution Day in Norway, a public holiday. It marks the signing of the constitution in 1814 which declared Norway to be independent from Sweden. Gratulerer med dagen, Norge!

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Health Data

That’s Good

sausage

Bada Bing!

I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat to keep EVERYONE away, no matter what their profession.

Owning a dog is perfect for people that never want to eat a whole sandwich by themselves again.

Student: Can I do something to raise my grade? Teacher: Ummm… It’s May. Student: MAY I do something to raise my grade?

I keep trying to make protein shakes but they keep coming out as margaritas.

Co-worker: You look so unapproachable. Me: Yet, here you are.

6YO: Daddy you’re so talented

Me: Awww Thank Y…

6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beatboxing.

Our dishwasher broke and I told the kids we have to wash everything in the sink and 5yo said, “Like you did in the olden days when you lived in a cave?”

I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit so I announced that I had won the lottery and I quickly found out who my relatives were.

Science question: Why do meteors always land in craters?

I felt sorry for the hypnotist last night. He hypnotized 7 guys, then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled “FUCK ME! “What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.

Planning…

This day in 1963 was the first day of the very first Monterey Folk Festival. It featured Bob Dylan, Peter Paul and Mary and Joan Baez among others.

Posted by Tom in folk, Humor, Music, sixties and seventies
16
May
2022

MUNDAY or something like that

Today is Buddha Purnima in India and many other countries, celebrating the birth of Prince Siddhartha Gautama, later the Gautama Buddha in Lumbini, Nepal sometime around 500 BCE.

crappiest super hero

Uh oh

whopping
I think the patient in room C is dying. Does he have insurance? No, he doesn't. Yep, he's dying.

Signzzzzz

Today is the birthday, in 1948, of Alto Reed, long-time member of Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band.

Posted by Tom in Humor, Music, sixties and seventies
13
May
2022

FRIDAY at last!!!

Today is the Royal Ploughing Ceremony (Wan Phra Ratcha Phithi Phuet Monkhon Lae Charot Phra Nangkhan Raek Na Khwan) in Thailand, a government holiday. It is also known as Farmers’ Day. The Royal Ploughing Ceremony is an ancient royal tradition observed in Cambodia, Myanmar and Thailand to mark the traditional beginning of the rice-growing season.

Who the hell is Kevin?????

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emergencywinetasting

A Day in Court…

Overheard courthouse conversation.
Overheard courthouse conversation.
Overheard courthouse conversation.
Funny overheard courthouse conversation.
Funny overheard courthouse conversation.

no good birthdays today. Here’s Gordon Lightfoot.

Posted by Tom
11
May
2022

DAY OF WEDNES

Today is the Death Anniversary of Zhabdrung, a public holiday in Bhutan. The nation of Bhutan was founded in the 17th century by Zhabdrung (meaning “at whose feet one submits”) Ngawang Namgyal, a Tibetan Buddhist lama, known colloquially as the Bearded Lama.

beast

Animals Stealing Our Jobs

LANGUAGE

I don’t judge people based on race, creed, color, or gender. I judge people based on spelling, grammar, punctuation, and sentence structure.

❧ ❧ ❧ ❧ ❧

English literature: I will die for honor.

French literature: I will die for love.

American literature: I will die for freedom.

Russian literature: I will die.

❧ ❧ ❧ ❧ ❧

Imagine trying to learn English and finding out that butt dialing and booty calls are two different things.

❧ ❧ ❧ ❧ ❧

Wife: You need to do more chores around the house.

Husband: Can we change the subject?

Wife: All right. More chores around the house need to be done by you.

Follow up to my earlier item about Frederick Mercury and Brian May…

Posted by Tom in Humor, Music, sixties and seventies
10
May
2022

TUESDAY rolls right in

Today is Mother’s Day, a public holiday in El Salvador. Today is also Mother’s Day (Día de las Madres) in Mexico and Guatemala.

butt

Bada Bing!

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me said he’s just going to use it to buy drugs. So I confronted him and asked him where I could also get drugs for $5.

Waffles are just pancakes that are ribbed for your pleasure.

I’m getting real sick and tired of food having calories.

Spilling wine is the adult equivalent of a kid letting go of a balloon.

Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number. I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.

Tweets About The Petty Things Couples Do When They’re Mad At Each Other…

My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.


My husband pissed me off so I sent him a picture of the thermostat set to 74 degrees.


When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.


I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.

I’m mad at my wife so I liked a lot of songs on her Pandora playlist that I know she didn’t like.

My wife ate the last donut this morning so I went in her car and readjusted the driver’s seat and mirrors.
My husband pissed me off so for dinner I’m making him Kale And Tofu Salad.

OH! And did you remember that April was Procrastination Awareness Month?

Today is the birthday, in 1946, of Donovan Phillips Leitch, known professionally as Donovan.

Posted by Tom in Humor, Music, sixties and seventies